115 Inspirational Stephen Colbert Quotes [2021] Actor & Television Host

115 Inspirational Stephen Colbert Quotes [2021] Actor & Television Host

Stephen Colbert is a Popular American Television Host, Comedian, Writer, Television Producer, Commentator, and Actor.

Stephen Colbert has won nine "Prime Time Emmy Awards", "Two Grammy Awards", and "Three Peabody Awards". He was named one of Time's 100 Most Influential People in the year 2006 and for the year 2012.

Colbert became popular by hosting the satirical Comedy Central program "The Colbert Report" and the CBS talk program "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert".

We've put together an incredible collection of Stephen Colbert quotes to read.

Here they are:


List of Inspiring Stephen Colbert Quotes

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God~” ~ Stephen Colbert

“All Dogs Go To Heaven Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America~we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.” ~ Steven Colbert

“Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Look, I’ve got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts~ That’s desertion.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise, Mother would dust.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I love making observations. That one is a classic example.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Equations are the devil's sentences.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day~” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Baby carrots are making me gay.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The more you know, the sadder you get.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Do you know what I like about comedy You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they The answer can be summed up between two buns.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I'd be broke.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“It is a well-known fact that reality has liberal bias.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade. which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay where you are time.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.” ~ Steven Colbert

“Knock Knock. Who's there The Truth. No joke.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.” ~ Steven Colbert

“You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“What's the worst that can happen~ A tidal wave - Glaciers with guns” ~ Stephen Colbert

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.” ~ Steven Colbert

“Think books aren't scary Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.” ~ Steven Colbert

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like, remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies” ~ Stephen Colbert

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140~character limit, so it's not happ” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done anyway at all.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick." ~ Steven Colbert

“Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.' ~ Stephen Colbert

“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.” ~ Steven Colbert

“I am no fan of books.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.” ~ Steven Colbert

“New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.” ~ Steven Colbert

“A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging~!~” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants~!” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.” ~ Steven Colbert

“If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough~ I'm confused. Also hungry.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“President Bush, have a hot dog with me.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I report, I decide.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls” ~ Steven Colbert

“Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so~called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man~on~pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.” ~ Steven Colbert

“If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure~all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“All weather is sin~related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Forgot to live~tweet the election last night, so I'm post~tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non~alcoholic beer and furious dry~humping.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning~ That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“What does Karl Marx put on his pasta Communist Manipesto!” ~ Steven Colbert

“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.” ~ Steven Colbert

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge or when I want to create some.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.” ~ Stephen Colbert

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.” ~ Stephen Colbert

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